The mirror I’ve been avoiding is the mirror that set me free…

I’ve purposely been avoiding spaces where you might be.

I don’t want you to see it in my eyes,

just how much our actions still torment me.

I’m ashamed, I want to forget.

All I want is peace, but my mind won’t let me.

Today….there was no escaping.

She walked right up beside me with a smirk on her face.

She paused for a split second and looked me dead in the eye,

like she had a secret she wanted to share with me.

But no words were needed, we both knew, didn’t we?

It’s been a long time coming,

but finally my mind can break free,

from this illusion

that is was you and me.

in my own grimey lane

awkward smile, peaceful mind, and a heart full of love.

passionately silent. minding my business. growing, evolving, purposely curating time and space.

calibrated towards focus & discipline.

present not perfect, perpetually in a self induced state of equanimity.

Just right here right now.

💋

📸 Kelsey Rideout

We are so fucked…

I met up with a friend today who shared with me this site that exists on Reddit for Ottawa humans seeking pleasure. People post pussy, dick, tits, and ass pictures… No faces. It’s Ottawa’s very own amateur porn site to solicit hookups. Yo, some of you are hilarious! I was actually a bit impressed with some of the creativity. I have a few friends I help create content for their OnlyFans… so I took some notes.

I consider myself to be open-minded, and I really do not judge anyone. I might have my opinions and/or preferences, but people can do whatever the fuck they want, I don’t really care, I’m just more curious. But ever since brunch with my friend I can’t stop wondering if the sacredness of relationship still exists…Especially in the way I hope to experience it one day.

There was a time when I would spend winters in LA….. oooooo… HOLLYWOOD is a FREAK!!! Ya’ll know Eyes Wide Shut was based on true events, right? Not that Hollywood is the only freak in the game, not even close, but that West Coast knows how to put on a show and I do love a good show. I never participated in random sexual activities with strangers like that, but I’ll be honest I’m definitely a watcher. Just because I don’t do it doesn’t mean I don’t like to know what’s up. I’m literally the human who won’t even dance with someone unless I think we have a future together, but you invite me to some weird freaky shit and I’m down. Let’s go!

If you study energy, and if everything in this universe is energetic, and sexual energy is literally the most potent energy that exists for us mere mortals to exchange…. It seems so naive to think fucking around wouldn’t have some sort of impact. I predict in 20 years we will have the scientific language that explains everything with great clarity… I don’t know much. Honestly, the older I grow, the more I realize none of us know SHIT! “knowledge” is so fluid. I am a firm believer just because we can do it, doesn’t mean we should. These days, discipline is my biggest turn on.

I have no answers, I have no point, and I’m still figuring my own shit out. I just think it’s hilarious how people out here are all about “I need to protect my energy” but at the same time will proceed to fuck around with faceless dick, tits, and asses on Reddit…It’s so interesting slash hilarious.

💋

Mere conjecture?

I wish it would feel good to pick up the phone and call you…. Tell you how much you’ve been on my mind. Yesterday, was Feb 14. I couldn’t stop myself from day dreaming the fun things I would plan if we were still connected.

The outfit I would wear, the songs you would play, just the mere production of it all. Plastic sheets everywhere, buckets of paints….We would have so much fun. We would get so dirty. We would eat delicious food, each other, and enjoy every second of it… I wonder if any of these daydreams will ever manifest into reality.

At this point feels like everything about us is mere conjecture... I guess it’s still tbc baby. 💋

Make it make sense…

Apparently now my vibe is OG blog style…. I mean why not?…there is comfort knowing no one is watching or paying attention.

*immediately my mind::: Rockwell - Somebody's Watching Me……)) why brain why? …….. 😅🤣

I’m cringing right now. Today is another type of life receipt. For months I’ve been “trying” to quit smoking weed (Since October 2022). Real talk it makes no sense why I can’t stop…. (usually when my mind is made up, it is what it is)…I actually started 2023 smoke free…it was easy for weeks, a month, but then my birthday…then all these interactions with humans who smoke and I DIDN’t SAY NO???

I know I don’t need it. I’ve proven to myself (collected the data) I’m the same without it. I’m even starting to think I’m a better creator without it...I feel high when I’m not high sometimes. I’m just so attached…to the visceral feeling. To the illusion of freedom, it gives me. Which is why I know I have to detach.

Also— now everyone is doing it, by default.… immediately I want to do the opposite.

The last J I’ll ever smoke? Probably not, but hopefully the last one for a while ;

So today is day one that it actually feels really good about not wanting to smoke. Can I continue to keep showing up?

I’m actually excited to see what happens.

GOAL : To not smoke for the whole month of February... let’s see what happens…TBC.

Unconditional love and all of its humbling lessons…

Negative Thoughts : 1897438145206754872584926

Social Media is brutal for my mental health sometimes...🥵 Usually I'm cool, l really don't care that much....but uhhhhh sometimes it sucks me in and wastes so much of my precious time. 

I feel so uncomfortable when situations I thought I healed from come back to haunt me in form of IG post…woke up at 3:30am couldn’t fall back asleep. A few pictures here and a couple videos there, and just like that the stories start. If you know me you know my bff is a professional storyteller. If we are reflections of the people we spend the most time with - you do the math. Generally speaking, I find this an amaaaaazing asset….but when the stories are negative and self-deprecating… It can get dark pretty quickly...I’m told I’m very creative…especially with my dark side 🥵🥵🥵

It was King’s Birthday Celebration this past Sunday, which we hosted at The Origin. It was so nice. So much talent, so many good vibes. We did our thing and then we all went to the Hip Hop food drive at DEKUF. There, I was face to face with humans (2 to be exact) who make me feel uncomfortable. I love uncomfortable, I feel in these situations we really find out who we are. BUT— Fast forward a few days later (you know when everyone is posting content of the events)….and I’m asking myself questions.… wishing I could make sense of some of it.

I am not my thoughts. I am simply the observer experiencing this present moment. My brain creates thoughts which are the lenses through which I perceive my reality- so it is up to me to make sure my mind (brain) is in it’s best, healthiest, juiciest state it can be. I train, pause, educate, and play with this bitch every day!

I don’t know much, but I do know life is too short to get lost in negative thoughts. Reflection is good, some would even say critical, but you can't let it take over. If you haven't mastered yourSELF, bad thoughts (in my experience) are a gateway to certain types of behaviors I'm generally trying to heal and grow out of. It is so hard to deprogram, reprogram and allow yourself to just be 👀. Between what we think we should be, and what others and life want us to be...it’s a lot.

It is so humbling for me when people I care for become mirrors of rejection. I believe the feeling of separation to be just another illusion I had to become aware of…but I still think I feel it sometimes.

I’m grateful for all experiences that allow me to expand and evolve.   I believe other Humans to be mirrors of my self and carry medicine if i can be open enough to learn from interactions. The reflecting aspect can be brutal 🥵😅…but it can also be so liberating.  Today  I’m just soooo grateful for all of it. My practices, my journey, my teachers, the human mirrors, the healing, the medicine, the disagreements, the letting go, the setbacks, the comebacks, the conversations, the silence, the distance, the reconnections.....Not perfect, but present.

Today’s secret sauce: 2 hours of meditation, walk to coffee shop, 2 hours of pure brainstorming, one hot shower, one Dr Joe Dispenza video and one chapter of “The Mastery of LOVE” and I’m back baby! Back in love in my zone creating ❤️

Merritt 💋